Where does it hurt?
Spark | by Suhailah | Newsletter Issue 03.
Spark | by Suhailah is a Weekly Personal Transformational Newsletter brought to you in the frequency of Love, Authenticity, Freedom, Passion, Creativity, Connection, Independence, Understanding + Spirituality.
Each week’s newsletter includes: #1. At least one quote that I love; #2. A self-inquiry/question/exercise (tools); #3. Story Time/Other Writing of some kind, written by me — This may sometimes be short, and may at other times be long; #4. A book recommendation, centering thought, and/or an affirmation now and again. (more tools)
August, 22, 2024 | Just a quick update—based on reader feedback/request after the first two weeks of this publication, we're moving this weekly newsletter to the beginning of the week so you can kickstart your week on an empowered and activated note. So, look for the next issue after this one then!
In this issue, for this week’s Story Time below, I'm sharing a blog post I wrote 10 years ago that really resonated with readers (who were only friends & family ☺️) back then. I've then created this week's tools/exercises based on my current reflections. I'd love to hear your thoughts—hope you find it helpful!
Last, while I only have approx. 30 subscribers officially subscribed to this publication at this moment, I want to thank the 1,000+ ppl who have read and viewed my publication in the past two weeks, and all who have aided in this by sharing it. I’m glad you have found resonance in what you have read so far, and I know that, together, we are raising the collective frequency on this planet by doing this kind of work. Thank you! 🙏🏾🩵
Quotes of the Week:
From others:
“The pain will leave you once it has finished teaching you.” - Bruce Lee
“Sometimes you have to be your own hero and save your own little heart.” - Author Unknown
From me:
“There comes a point when we must release pain as a teacher.” - Suhailah
“We are not random victims of circumstance, but we can be our own hero when we feel like we have been victimized in our own lives.” - Suhailah
Self-Inquiry/Journal and/or Meditation Prompts:
The Peace Guardian Exercise:
Prompt: Reflect on a recent betrayal or emotional wound. Ask yourself, “What would it mean to forgive, not for the other person, but to protect my own peace?” (*Please be sure to read my additional note at the bottom of this issue on forgiveness.)
Action: Write down what forgiveness looks like for you in this context and how it could serve as a form of self-love and protection. What steps can you take today to begin this process?
Where Does It Hurt? Exercise:
Prompt: Sit quietly and ask yourself, “Where does it hurt?”
Action: Mentally scan your body and mind. Identify where the pain is truly located—whether it's a physical sensation or a recurring thought. Once identified, ask yourself, “How can I release this pain? What thoughts or actions (not to be confused with distractions) can help ease this discomfort?”
Unveiling Inner Strength Exercise:
Prompt: Think about a time when you felt betrayed or deeply hurt. Now, instead of focusing on the pain, ask yourself, “What strength did this situation reveal in me?”
Action: Write a letter to yourself, acknowledging the inner strength you discovered. How can this strength help you in other areas of your life?
Forgiveness as Freedom Exercise:
Prompt: Consider someone who has wronged you. Ask yourself, “What would it feel like to let go of the anger I hold towards them? How would forgiveness free me emotionally?”
Action: Write about the barriers preventing you from letting go. Then, imagine what your life would look like without carrying that anger. How can you take the first step towards releasing it?
Nurturing the Inner Landscape Exercise:
Prompt: When you feel unsafe or betrayed, turn inward and ask, “What does my inner landscape look like right now? How can I nurture it to feel more secure and loved?”
Action: Visualize your inner world as a garden. What parts of it need more care? Which areas are thriving? Plan a daily or weekly ritual that helps you cultivate self-love and emotional safety—whether through meditation, journaling, listening to music, going for a long drive, or simply spending time by the water or in nature. Whatever works for you.
Excerpt above from my book “Awaken the Brand by Suhailah, Unleash Your Personal Potential Through Building Your Brand.”
Story Time:
sunday, january 19, 2014 (as originally posted)
“i recently experienced what i consider to be a heartbreaking act of betrayal by someone who i thought would be an active presence in my life until the day one of us died.
it was about 5:30 in the morning the day after this revelation, and as i lay in bed feeling surprisingly calm with my eyes closed the first thing that i said to myself was “okay. i will forgive this person…i will forgive this situation…and i will forgive myself.” the second thing i said to myself was “where does it hurt?”
to be clear, the first thing i said came more from me being an ever present guardian of my own inner peace; i am quite happy these days, and quite upbeat, in general. i am also a f*cking ninja about keeping it that way. so know that this decision of forgiveness came from that place and not at all from a place of understanding why this person did what they had. you see, mercy sees the "why" behind the "what." and in times past, and way before i ever understood that, i have always been one who needs to understand the why. - not this time. no mercy.
i have a lot of different exercises i use when i am processing new and / or difficult information - prayer, meditation, reading something insightful, jogging, talking to a friend, working out, listening to music, taking it out on someone else (sadly), whatever works…but this “where does it hurt?” question was a new one. i’m not sure where it came from but it seemed natural and so i smiled at its simplicity. and then i patted myself on the back for coming up with this genius of a question that a child could have thought of. haahha! grown-ups! we sure do complicate things.
i then immediately thought of my two-year-old niece Zoe who i adore and who lives across the country with her mom, my sister Rahimah, who i also adore. and i thought about how i would explain this if i were talking to Zoe and she could understand. that made me smile even harder and even laugh a little, but mostly i thought of how easy it is when you are a child. for children, a parent can simply ask “where does it hurt?” and children, in all of their infinite God-given intelligence, and even in the complete absence of a vocabulary that makes any kind of sense to us, can usually just point to what hurts.
now, i am not a mother so i could be wrong about this, but i would like to think that if a child appeared to be in great distress the first question that a mother / father / guardian would ask would not be “what happened?” i think "where does it hurt?" would be more appropriate…with the other questions about what they were doing and why following after the pain and sense of urgency subsided a bit. i thought about how children, especially babies and toddlers, are really so easy to understand in many ways because they simply smile and laugh and run around all giggly when they are happy and things feel good; or they cry and whimper when something upsets them, does not feel good or hurts. it is that simple.
as people, after early childhood, we're typically not asked this question again until we're coming to the end of our life in years, and / or unless, for some other reason, we're terminally ill on our death beds or close to it and incapable of using full sentences or any form of speech whatsoever.
and as adults, our hurt is often the kind that can't be detected with the naked eye. it's often hidden and is not regarded with the same importance as physical pain, which can often be touched. it shows up as anger, jealousy, insecurity, aggression, violence, possessiveness, greed, passiveness, and a slew of other ways; it can even be masked by humor and laughter.
and so i thought about how amazing it would be for us adults of the human species to just tell or show someone where it hurts when we are going through something. and i imagined the new level of comfort that could come from (and to) the people closest to us if the first question they (or we) would ask when we (or they) are in distress was not “what happened?” but “where does it hurt?” at the very least we would probably look up at them in confusion at the question, burst out laughing and get a good laugh out of the question. and with that bit of laughter the pain would begin to subside and a little bit of healing could take place. - if only for a moment. it really is so simple.
so, i asked myself this question and then i sat and mentally scanned my body for the answer. i have written about this before, but there have been times in my life when i have experienced heartache of the romantic kind that literally felt as if my heart was physically aching…like my chest hurt from the throbbing beneath it and i wished i could reach in and caress it in order to ease the pain. there have also been times in my life where i have experienced disappointment or deceit from friends or colleagues so great that i felt sick to my stomach...my stomach in knots. this is all to say that there have definitely been times in my life where i have quite literally, physically felt my emotional pain inside of my body. but this time was different.
when i asked myself the question “where does it hurt?” i really couldn’t identify a place where i actually felt pain or discomfort. and in surprise and delight I thought “well this is growth and evolution!” and so i lay in bed for a few more minutes to see if any pain wanted to come forth at the last minute and surprise or scare the sh*t out of me, but it didn’t. and as i continued to contemplate the answer to the question, i lifted my hand and pointed to the side of my head…where my temple is. meaning “it’s in my mind,” and it's only the relentless habit of going through the details over and over and over again in my mind that was making it seem more painful. and i smiled again and shook my head to myself in acknowledgement and sat up and said “okay, well this will be easier than i thought, then.” “this, you can handle. you just have to let it go, suhailah." (btw, am i the only one who has this kind of full, internal dialogue with myself? i sure hope not. haaha!)
i think there are few things more important or life-sustaining than to feel emotionally safe with the people we have chosen to let into our lives; and few responsibilities greater than when others trust us in theirs. when we don’t (feel safe) for whatever reason, we must go. or they must go. - whoever is closest to the door. less we be tempted to think we need to defend ourselves and do something like, say, mmmm...kick them in the face. haaahaaha!
but seriously. it can sometimes mean that we connect with these same people later in life at a time when both parties have shifted in healthier ways. ones that allow them to connect in a different way or role, and with greater integrity...greater truth and understanding, and so, with greater ease. and it sometimes means that we let them go forever knowing that they can never and will never be what we need them to be in relation to us. and, either way, we have to be okay with this and know that it can feel a little (or alot) sad while this transition takes place.
in life, once our basic needs have been met, i don’t think we search for security so much as significance. and we often search for this through the people we let close enough to love and let love us. it is said that it takes a lifetime to build a friendship and only a second to tear it down. i have experienced this firsthand on a couple of occasions now, which also makes me a ninja about demonstrating appreciation and reverence for the ones who i am honored to still call friends. my expectation is that they regard me the same, even if they express it in different ways. however, certain forms of expression will never be an acceptable exchange for me; betrayal is one of them. so when the people closest to us betray us in ways that are unwarranted and that we never even thought to imagine, think or anticipate they could or would, it’s like the worst kind of sucker punch. we are so blind-sided it can feel like the lights went out. like the life has been knocked right out of us. not only do we no longer trust them, but, even worse, it can make us not trust ourselves and our own decisions. suddenly the entire world and everyone in it can feel unsafe and suspect.
but don’t fall for it.
in the priority of all things, when we truly love ourselves, and love ourselves enough to pay attention to and work on our own inner landscape with as much attention to detail as we do our outer, we eventually feel significant and safe enough again within ourselves to be ourselves - in all of our beauty to include our complexity. and to then confidently share that with others. we also begin to know that other people's decisions or actions are always about who they are rather than who we are. we will then notice that we begin to attract these so-called negative experiences less and less frequently, and when they do show up in our lives we more easily recognize them for what they are (which is usually just bullsh*t and unneeded distraction), and more quickly move on. when we love ourselves enough to forgive - and not just so that we can be the “bigger” person, but for our own emotional freedom, sanity and well-being - to let go…of the people, places, jobs, thoughts, things, habits and patterns that no longer serve us or match who we are and are becoming, we will then have learned to let love reign above all else starting with numero uno. me! you.
as i was getting a mani / pedi this weekend and reading the magazines they had in the salon, i came across this quote. it was from Khloe Kardashian, someone else had originally posted it, she reposted it on either twitter or instagram, and then the magazine printed it (whew, quite a journey to make its way to me, but i got it!). it said:
“sometimes you have to be your own hero and save your own little heart.”
we are not random victims of circumstance, but we can be our own hero when we feel like we have been victimized in our own lives. this begins as an inside job. it is not always an easy one and no one can do it for us. so, if you haven’t already, let us all begin to do this in this new year of 2014. - there is no other heart and no other love that can come first.
with love...
suhailah”
from my old “bthelight / gathering courage.” personal blog.
Centering Thought:
In the quiet moments after betrayal, I chose forgiveness—not for them, but to guard the fortress of my own peace. Self-love is my greatest weapon, my shield against the wounds they cannot see.
*Note: In my own life, I have found that it has been important to address my healing on all levels - emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical. Some naturally overlap, but for a long time I only addressed the spiritual, and only the physical when the need was apparent.
I am not a therapist, although I’ve had a few throughout my life. I also have what I consider to be “healers” (and they do this as their profession) in my life who have helped me through some of my tougher moments and trauma; one, who I still call on on occasion when needed.
That said, I do want to add that in the years since I originally wrote the above blog, I have come to know and understand through my own healing journey (alone, in community, and/or with professionals), that when it comes to true healing, forgiveness is the last stage of healing, not the first.
That said, please do not confuse forgiveness with ignorance, ignoring, or burying your own feelings. Or, head in the clouds, fake, forced, or toxic positivity. It also isn’t about excusing the act; it’s about freeing yourself from the chains of anger. So it is really, really important that you allow yourself to first acknowledge and actually feel your own feelings in your body (even if you can not name them), and not “spiritually bypass” and/or use other avoidant behaviors—Just don’t stay stuck there forever (in feeling the feeling). This is how you process pain, and the only way to (the other side) is through. You can avoid it, but there is no way around it.
Oftentimes, especially with situations that cause deep hurt and trauma wounds, it’s hard (can feel impossible) to truly feel and face these feelings because we do not feel like we have the emotional resources to cope. It can feel like way too much, and it does not feel safe. Trust me, I have been there.
This can lead to avoidant and other behaviors, and some can be dangerous (substance abuse, addictions, self-harm, etc.). That said, it’s crucial to use your discernment and to seek professional help and support - whatever that looks like for you - when it feels like too much to cope. 🙏🏾🩵
Photo at top: by Jorge Gardner on Unsplash
In other news: My new book Awaken the Brand by Suhailah, Unleash Your Personal Potential Through Building Your Brand is now available on Apple Books, Amazon (Books, with the Free Kindle App or Kindle Device), Google Play (Books), and Gumroad. It’s in eBook format only for now and is derived from my Awaken the Brand Digital/Online Course of the same name. The audiobook and printed book are coming at some point soon-ish. You can also visit my website for more info.
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